i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
