i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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