There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
