i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
