Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
