I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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