Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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