I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
