I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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