i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
