I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
