We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
