is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
