so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
