Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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