Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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