No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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