I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
