zippers are such a cool invention
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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