You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize