no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
