I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
