I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
