Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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