So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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