Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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