you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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