there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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