Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
