im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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