is your mom at the bar?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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