Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
