woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
