i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
