The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Two words: blizzard sex
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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