so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
