believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
