He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
