she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
