stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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