I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
