cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
