if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
