I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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