you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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