Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
