I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
