I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
