So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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