she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
