Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
