hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
