You really coming over, don't trick.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
